Mean Read online

  I help put Hannah to bed; it’s less of an argument that way. I’m allowed to play video games if I want to, but I ask if I can just watch TV or something with him, and he shrugs and says sure as he flops down on the couch. I sit near the corner and wait as he scrolls through a thousand channels, until he finally lands on the news, and is still. I don’t want to watch about the stock market or Congress, but I don’t want to leave him either.

  I hate it when Dad gets like this. He’s so quiet and it seems like he’s mad or sad maybe, but you don’t know what either is about so of course you start to think the worst. Did I do something? Did I make him angry with me? Did I make him sad? And because I don’t know, and because I’m only guessing, I start to get angry. I get mad because he has no reason to be mad at me. I’ve been great tonight. I said yes to Aunt Debbie. I helped with Hannah. I did my homework, and I didn’t even play video games! Instead, I’m sitting here with him, the grump, trying to figure it out and he’s not talking to me. I should just go to bed, but I don’t want to leave him either.

  “You know Bubbe and Zayde are coming tomorrow,” Dad says.

  Yes, I know. Thanks. Jerk.

  “They’re staying with us for a while and then they’re going to Aunt Claire’s, and then to Aunt Debbie’s.” Dad sighs.

  “Why aren’t they just staying here the whole time?” I ask. They probably don’t want to be around his miserable face all the time. Believe me, I get it.

  “They have to visit with all the girls,” Dad says. “It’s only fair.”

  My mom has two sisters, my aunts Debbie and Claire, and a brother, my uncle Jack, who lives in Colorado. If my dad had brothers or sisters, they wouldn’t visit anyway, he’s such a sad sack.

  “It will be nice to have them here though,” Dad says.

  Oh it will? Will that make you happy?

  “And then you know you have to go for the Bubbe Brunch. You didn’t forget that, did you?”

  No, I answer. I should go upstairs and blow something up, but I stick around, just a little longer, to see if he’ll say anything else. Bubbe Brunch is a special brunch that my grandmother does with all the girls in our family right before their bat mitzvah. She never had a bat mitzvah when she was a kid, so she likes to take each of us to a fancy brunch at a fancy place in Manhattan and talk to us about life. There are only two rules: The brunch is just you and Bubbe, no one else. And what you talk about at Bubbe Brunch is always a secret between you and Bubbe. She did it with all her daughters, and now all her grandchildren. Hannah and I are the only girls left to have one.

  “What do you think you’ll talk about?” Dad asks, almost smiling.

  “It’s a secret. That’s the whole point,” I answer. Why does that make him smile?

  He watches the news people argue for a little while longer, nodding to sleep every other minute. Finally I just nudge him and tell him if he’s that tired, he should just go up to bed. He agrees and heads up the stairs.

  I put myself to bed.

  Chapter 7

  The next morning, I get a text from Mom thanking me for letting Aunt Debbie take me dress shopping. I text back np, but want to say a lot more. I want to ask her why she’s not home and why she’s not the one taking me shopping for my dress. I want to tell her that I need her around and that I don’t think I’m the only one, but I don’t. It’s the weird thing about Mom and me. I love her and I know she loves me, but I don’t think either of us ever really says what we mean to the other.

  Hannah has a doctor’s appointment in Manhattan, so Rosalinda wants me to at least walk with them on my way to school. Mom and Dad and the doctor are thinking of giving Hannah a cochlear implant, so she’s going to get some tests of her hearing to see if she can handle the surgery. A cochlear implant is a little attachment that goes on her head and into her brain and would let her hear for the first time ever. She’s going to Dr. Woo, who’s my dad’s best friend. He’ll report everything to Dad so he can have all the info. Hannah’s not scared. She doesn’t mind the doctor; more than anything, she hates the subway.

  I don’t know how I feel about Hannah being able to hear. I know that sounds weird to say. I mean, I want her to have everything in the world, but there’s something so great about who she already is, and a lot of who she is is being deaf. I love how she signs, how she uses her whole body to get excited about something. Some people might think you can’t really get to know someone if they can’t talk or hear, if they can just sign, but I can. I know Hannah so well. I hear her now, I know her now, and I like being connected to her in this special way. I also just love her faces. She makes these huge faces, using every single muscle in her head, all of her mouth and eyes. It’s hilarious and beautiful, and I think she’d lose that if she were talking and listening just like everyone else. When was the last time you had a smile so big it could barely fit on your face? Hannah has them all the time. I would hate to have her lose that.

  I’m eating cereal when Hannah asks me why I’m not coming to the doctor. I have to go to school, Hannah, I sign. Hannah looks disappointed, so I toss her one of the marshmallows from my bowl. That makes her smile a little but I’m starting to think she’s a little nervous. I text Mom.

  Hey, I know you’re busy, but Hannah has her cochlear appointment today and I wanted to go with her. Is that cool?

  I start waiting for bubbles, but I don’t even know where she is or if she can answer the text. But soon enough there are bubbles and—

  That’s really sweet. I’d love that.

  But I won’t go to school.

  Yes, I know. Hahaha. Take a day off. You deserve it.

  So do you.

  I can’t believe I typed that last bit, but I did. I just hope she doesn’t read it as mean. But after that she sends a heart emoji so I guess we’ll see. Rosalinda is so thrilled I’m coming with them. Hannah’s always a little more still when I’m around and maybe we can all have an adventure today after the doctor. When I tell Hannah, she’s so excited she almost spills my whole bowl of cereal trying to hug me.

  For most of the train ride into Manhattan, Hannah just sits with me and lets me play Mario Kart. This is already a lot better of a day than I would have had at school. I mean, it’s a pretty sweet deal when you can get something awesome out of doing something nice. We ride the train all the way up to Columbus Circle and then get out into a mass of people. This is usually where Rosalinda freaks out with Hannah because, with all the people and the traffic, Hannah would usually try to run off straightaway. At least with me, she holds my hand but keeps hitting my leg to get me to look at everything she wants me to see.

  Dr. Woo’s office is quiet when we get there. There’s only one other man in the waiting room. He’s reading a magazine when we walk in, but he looks up and smiles at us. I can see he has two cochlear implants, and I sort of want to ask him about them, but I think that would be pretty weird before I actually say hello. I sign to Hannah to say hello and she signs to the man, Hello.

  He looks a little bit surprised when he sees Hannah sign, but he signs back.

  “She knows how to sign?” he asks Rosalinda.

  “Oh sure,” Rosalinda says. “This is Hannah. And her big sister, Ellen.”

  “Nice to meet you,” the man says. “I’m Ethan.”

  I say hi to Ethan as I sit down with Hannah and Rosalinda checks in at the desk. I tell Ethan that Hannah’s here to get fitted for an implant like he has. He smiles and looks back at his magazine, like he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, or maybe it’s just because I’m a strange kid he doesn’t know. I want to ask him more but I don’t know how to get started, so I just ask.

  “Do you like having the implants?”

  Ethan looks up at me for a minute, then at Rosalinda. He looks back at me and signs, Do you sign too?

  I sign back that I do, and Ethan puts down his magazine and
signs to both me and Hannah. Ethan says that they’re pretty good. But it’s more complicated than that. Hannah will still have to learn to speak and she’ll always have to read lips regardless. Ethan says that when he’s home alone, he usually turns them off.

  Ethan’s a nice guy and I can see that in the way he’s signing to us, something I would have never known had we just talked together. He’s so sweet with Hannah, it sort of makes me like him a lot more. I have a thousand more questions to ask when he is called in to his appointment.

  “Will you be missing a lot at school today?” Rosalinda asks me as she looks for a magazine on the coffee table in front of us.

  “Nothing really.” I shrug, taking out my game. That’s not really the truth. I don’t have a test or anything; it’s Friday anyway. I still need to find out what’s going on with Ducks’s thing with my friend. I figured it’s Charlie. I mean, who’s my other friend? And I need to warn Sophie about Aunt Debbie, but I guess I’ll just text them after school.

  Hannah signs to me, trying to get my attention. I pause the game and look down at her. She’s confused about what we’re doing here. I tell her we’re seeing the doctor about her implant, like Ethan. It will help you hear. Okay, she signs. Will they put it in today? No, I answer back, but maybe soon. Hannah doesn’t get a chance to respond before we get called into the office. She seems worried. And I don’t like that.

  Dr. Woo smiles at us all and asks, “Big day, huh? Are we excited?”

  And the truth is, I don’t know. The tests are easy and Dr. Woo is nice. He says he’ll call Dad to talk about how to move forward and we’re back on the subway before it’s noon. I forgot how much more of the day I still have now and I’m really glad I chose to be such a good sister and not go to school today. Hannah needed me.

  Chapter 8

  We’re home eating pad thai when there are three beeps of a car horn that almost sound like my grandmother calling to us, so I know it’s her. I stab my chopsticks into my pile of noodles and scream with my mouth full, “Bubbe’s here!” Hannah freaks out in her chair and Rosalinda tries to calm her down a little but it’s a losing battle. Bubbe is a great excuse for a freak-out anyway.

  I swing the front door open just in time to see Bubbe get out of the long black car and wave to us. “Darlings!” Bubbe calls. “I’ll be over to hug and kiss you up in just a minute, but I have to help Zayde out of the car. Hiya, Rosalinda, doll.”

  “We’ll help,” I say, going right up to the car and opening the trunk. The trunk is packed full with their luggage. Bubbe always brings a lot of clothes, but also a lot of presents. It’s about a 60-to-40 ratio when you get right down to it, and helping with the luggage is also helping me get a peek at what we might get. I start pulling at the big black bag at the center, but it’s lodged in there pretty tough. I keep pulling at it until Rosalinda calls me over to the side of the car. Rosalinda and Bubbe are both trying to help Zayde out of his seat in the back, and Hannah’s getting in the way. I take Hannah by the hand to keep her safe near the fence. I can see Zayde still in his seat, his skin is so white he’s almost glowing. His breath is heavy, and he’s trying to tell Bubbe that he needs a minute. “Take your time, Herb. Nobody’s in a rush.”

  “Do you need a hand?” I ask, perking my head up to get a better look at Zayde, who’s turning himself in the seat trying to get a grip on his walker. He pokes his head between Bubbe and Rosalinda and smiles at me. He looks so different. So small. His big blue eyes are sinking in his face, and they even look paler. But he smiles at me and Hannah and waves a little. Bubbe puts her hand under his arm, and Rosalinda under his other, as they both try to lift him to his feet. After two tries, he struggles up and grips hard to the handles of his walker. He’s breathing hard, like standing up took a lot more of an effort than any of us thought it would. Even him.

  “Well, I’m up. I think I deserve a reward.” He puffs. “And what I think I deserve is a big kiss from my favorite girls in the world.” Zayde smiles, trying not to lose the breath that he’s just barely catching. I hold Hannah back a little, because I can see that we need to be very gentle with Zayde. He finally starts up the walk to the front door. Hannah’s pulling at me to get to Zayde, but I pull her back, probably harder than I should. I don’t know why she doesn’t see how sick Zayde is. Bubbe catches her as she runs over to them and holds her tight, while Rosalinda walks Zayde the rest of the way into the house.

  “It’s been a long day for Zayde,” Bubbe says to me over Hannah’s shoulder. I smile back, knowing that she’s not really telling me the truth.

  Zayde has always been one of the funniest guys I’ve known. Always happy and smiling, telling the worst jokes, but sort of knowing they were the worst jokes. The worse the jokes got, the louder he would laugh, and that was the funniest part. Zayde has the best laugh I’ve ever heard. It’s loud and it stops everything around him, because it reminds you of all the fun you could be having if you just pulled your head back and let a big laugh crack up right out of you. But you need a lot of breath for a laugh like that, and I just don’t know if he has it now.

  It takes a couple more trips for the driver and me and Rosalinda to bring all the bags inside. Bubbe stays inside with Hannah and Zayde, who are both curled up together on the couch. Bubbe sees the food on the table and keeps telling me to put down the bags and sit and eat, but I want to help as much as I can. The food can wait.

  “Bags can wait, darling, but I can’t.” Bubbe opens her arms to me when I finally close the door. I rush over to her and squeeze myself as hard as I can against her, almost hoping that I can feel how solid she is. I don’t want her to be as frail as Zayde, and I need to check if she is.

  “Oh, that is a squeeze! I’ve missed you so much,” Bubbe says, punctuating each word with a big oily lipstick kiss all over my face. She is warm and smells flowery from her favorite perfume. “You’ve gotten so big.”

  “But you’d never tell under all those sweatshirts,” Rosalinda chimes in. She always does this stuff when there’s another adult in the room. She adds in these little opinions about me that I’ve never heard her mention to me. It makes me not trust her and feel a little embarrassed.

  “I heard you’re letting Aunt Debbie take you for a dress,” Bubbe says with a light click of her teeth on Aunt Debbie’s name that lets me know she doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

  “She’s making me. I wanted to go with my friend Sophie.” I smile back. “It’s just a dress. I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal about it.”

  Bubbe laughs at this. “You’re right. It is just a dress.” There’s another click of her teeth, one that lets me know I’m wrong. “A dress you’re going take a thousand pictures in, and those pictures will haunt you for years.”

  “Ach, do you hear this, Rosalinda?” Zayde says from the couch. “Judy, leave the girl to get the dress she likes.”

  That’s the thing: I know that with Aunt Debbie, I won’t get a dress I like, I’ll get a dress she likes. Maybe that’s what Bubbe is hinting at.

  “You could come with us, if you want,” I say to Bubbe.

  “Well, I wasn’t invited and I don’t want to just barge in when you and Debbie have plans.”

  She’s kidding and playing hard to get, so I pretend to plead with her to come along.

  Bubbe finally agrees, just as the door opens to Dad smiling and yelling that he could have come to the airport to pick them up. Zayde yells back that he didn’t need to do that, they were fine with a cab. I look at Dad to tell him they weren’t, but Bubbe starts yelling that they can handle themselves. Dad’s excited but exhausted, and I can see he was actually a little freaked out that he hadn’t heard from them. He must have known how sick Zayde was before he got here. The yelling dies down a little, and turns to a lot of laughs and another round of hugs. Zayde laughs along too, but it’s nowhere near the laugh I expected.

  Zayde falls asleep on the couch pretty
quickly, and Rosalinda puts Hannah to bed before she leaves. It’s a long fight because there’s no way that Hannah wants to miss out on this party. I help her get Hannah down and then go back downstairs to join the adults. I’m almost a woman, aren’t I?

  Dad opens a bottle of wine to sit down and talk with Bubbe. He’s always been her favorite. Bubbe says, “When it comes to sons-in-law, I really lucked out. I taught my girls to have excellent taste, and luckily they all learned. Except for Jerry.” Jerry was my Aunt Claire’s first husband, who I think I met maybe once, but I don’t remember. Stories about him are never great. When it comes to her sons-in-law, though, I think my dad is her favorite too.

  I come back down to find them sitting in the kitchen under just one light and talking in soft voices to let Zayde sleep. For a minute I think I should leave, but Bubbe pulls out a chair and pats it twice to offer me a seat.

  “You don’t want to visit with me?” Bubbe says, smiling, which is her way of asking me to sit. Dad hands me a big glass of water, and I sit and listen to them talk. Dad is telling Bubbe about the party and all the arrangements.

  “Did Barbara help you with the planning?”

  “Yes. A lot,” Dad says, trying to defend Mom a little. “You can do so much online.”

  They both laugh a little at that, but I don’t know why it’s funny. I know they’re both upset that Mom isn’t here, and I wonder why none of us can actually say that.

  “When does she get home?” Bubbe asks.

  “Monday,” Dad says firmly. “That’s the last I heard.”